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Bed and Brake Fast/Transcript
Lacey Burrows: Hey, aren't you Travis Moen? Travis Moen: Uh-huh. Lacey: You play for the Anaheim Ducks, right? Moen: Yeah, thanks for the coffee. Lacey: Cool. Oh, wait, you forgot your cup. Moen: Actually, I'm wearing it. You can never be too careful. Lacey: Oh, no, not that cup, the other Cup. Moen: Oh, thanks. Kid: Wow, is that the Stanley Cup? Can I sit in it? Moen: No, people aren't allowed to sit in the Cup. Kid: Ow! Moen: See, you never can be too careful. Lacey: Yeah, exactly. Davis Quinton: Thanks, Brent. I'll have it back in a couple of hours. Brent Leroy: No problem. Hank Yarbo: How come he gets to use your car? Brent: 'Cause he brings it back. Hank: Oh, so now there are rules? Brent: More just common courtesies. Like, not driving my car outta town. Not running my car out of gas while you're outta town. Or not having my car towed by the police to somewhere even farther out of town. Hank: Well, like I'm the one who didn't put enough gas in it. Brent: Yeah, that's right, I should've thought about that before I let you take my car without asking. Hank: Fine, can I borrow your car that time? Brent: No. Hank: See, that's why I don't ask. Paul: Sorry, we have no vacancies. Oscar Leroy: You're better off, it's a dump. Paul: You come here and drink all the time. Oscar: That's how I know it's a dump. Mrs. Johnson: Do you know of anywhere else to stay in town? Like a B&B? Oscar: No, you're screwed. Steve Johnson: Just as well. He wanted 90 bucks for this place. Oscar: Come to think of it, there is this B&G but it's a hundred. Lacey: I didn't see you at the silent auction yesterday, it was fun. Karen Pelly: I heard you were kind of cheap. Lacey: Ah, just because you wrap something in cellophane it does not make it worth $200. Emma Leroy: Remember, it's for charity. Lacey: Yeah, I know what a silent auction is. I'm just saying, people are getting ripped off. Lacey: I outbid everyone on the "Handyman for a Day", how cheap can I be? Hank: Hey Lacey, thanks for bidding on my handyman thing last night. Karen: You bid on Hank? How much did you pay for that? Lacey: Oh, what I paid is not important, it's for charity. Hank: Ten bucks. I didn't think it was going to go that high but Lacey and I got into a bidding war. Karen: You bid on yourself? Hank: Yeah, I wanted some stuff done around my house but in the end, I couldn't afford me. I'll swing by later. Lacey: Yeah, sounds good. Karen: Wow, that's cheap. Oscar: Hey, you'll never guess who I just ran into just now. Emma: You're right. I can't guess and I'll never care to guess. Oscar: My old buddy. He was just driving through town with his wife and I said they could stay here with us. Emma: What buddy? Oscar: My old buddy. Mr. Johnson and his wife. Emma: Mr. Johnson? Oscar: Well, we don't call him that because he's a buddy. Buddy Johnson, we call him. Emma: I don't remember Buddy Johnson. Oscar: You know, from camp, from like a long time ago. From childhood, from childhood camp. Buddy. Emma: From camp? Oscar: Now you're getting it. Wanda Dollard: I don't want to alarm you but somebody cleaned your car. Brent: How do you know it wasn't me? Wanda: I saw Davis cleaning it. Brent: Touché. Well, he borrowed it so he cleaned it. He even filled the tank. Wanda: Goody two shoes. Brent: I don't care if Goody's got five shoes. At least he doesn't leave a melted ice cream cone on my seat. Wanda: I told my kid to leave it under the seat. He never listens. Brent: Why is Davis the only one who takes care of my car? It's a good car. Wanda: I take care of your car. Remember the time I cleaned ice cream off of the seat? Lacey: OK, I just want a few pictures up. The first one I want to go in the bathroom right here. Hank: Oh, your grout's coming off, huh? Lacey: I don't know. Anyway, I want you to put the picture right here. Hank: You should get that fixed before water gets in and rots the drywall. Lacey: You know how to do that? Hank: Sure, yeah. Lacey: You're, you're not just gonna smash this thing with a hammer or something? Hank: Why, your sink need hammering? Lacey: No, forget I said that. Look it, if you could fix the grout or whatever that's called, that'd be great and then I want you to put the picture right here. Hank: Yeah, you bet. Pass me the hammer. For the picture. Davis: Oh yeah, your rear tail light was out so I got you a new one. Brent: Oh, thanks. You know, some people borrow your car and never even think to replace the tail lights. Wanda: Some people own their car and never think to do that. Davis: Yeah, well I know it's an inconvenience and you're really helping me out. Brent: You bet, buddy. That's what friends are for. Wanda: Get a room. Ugh, I just pictured that. Hank: OK, all done. Lacey: Wow, that was fast. Hank: Yeah. Taking them off's pretty easy. Putting them on, now that's where the real work starts. OK, see you later. Lacey: Stop. Aren't you gonna finish? You've only been here 20 minutes. Hank: 23, but that's all the time I have. Lacey: Oh, what do you mean? Where are you going? Hank: I don't delve into your personal life. Oh, this fell out of your drawer. Lacey: You said handyman for a day. That's like, 8 hours. Hank: Yeah, not in a row. By the way, you're out of cough medicine. Oscar: Hey there, Johnsons. Welcome to our humble, little abode. This is Emma. Emma: Hi. Steve Johnson: What was your name again? Oscar: Hey, buddy. He's a great kidder or my name's not Oscar Leroy. Steve: Oscar, right. Emma: You look vaguely familiar. Mrs. Johnson: Oh, Steve gets that a lot. Emma: Steve? Oscar: Oh sure, Steve's his real name but I call him "Buddy" for kicks. Well, we should show Steve and her upstairs where they are sleeping. Emma: Oh, and when you get all settled in, come on down, we'll feed you some lunch. Mrs. Johnson: Is that included? Emma: Yeah. Steve: Bonus. Oscar: Yeah. Wanda (phone): Hey Brent, look behind you. Brent (phone): Yeah, OK. Wanda (phone): You're going kinda slow. Brent (phone): Well it's the end of the day and no one's around. Wanda (phone): Well, move over Gramps and make room for the living. Brent (phone): Who's grandma is what, what's happening? Wanda: Aw, crap. Mrs. Johnson: Your wife seems a little confused about the arrangements. Oscar: Well, just between you and me, she has a little hobby. Anyway, twenty extra for lunch. Steve: But she said... Oscar: Three beers in, she'll say anything. Wanda: Quisling! Brent: What's a Quisling? Wanda: It's like a low-life, greasy snitch-o. Brent: Geez, I preferred Quisling. What are you talking about? Wanda: I'm talking about Davis using your car as a ghost car. Brent: Ghost car, cool! Wanda: Not cool. $80, not cool. Brent: My car did that? Wanda: I can't believe you can be bought so easily. Fixed tail light here, car wash there and boom! You're a two-faced rat-fink. Brent: I preferred "Quinzink" or whatever you said before. Karen: What are you doing? Davis: Tricking people, giving them tickets. Karen: You can't use Brent's car for that. Davis: You're just jealous. Karen: It's more about safety. Look at this bucket. Why do the seats smell like vanilla? Davis: Believe me, it's worth it. When I'm in Brent's car, people completely ignore me. Karen: If you want that, just go to a party. Davis: In the ghost car? Karen: Now I'm ignoring you. Davis: See, it works. Hank: Oh hey Lacey. Had 45 minutes so I decided to come fix your fridge. Lacey: Well, there is nothing wrong with it. Hank: The light's broke. Lacey: So you took off the door? Hank: No, I came down to get a drink, the door was loose so I took it off, fixed the hinge and then the door fell and broke the light. I didn't know you had so much for me to do. Lacey: You fixed the tiles, right? Hank: No, no, the fridge took up my whole time. I gotta go. I'll have a new hinge for you tomorrow. Lacey: Well, that's just great. And thank you for eating all my food 'cause that'll keep it from going bad. Hank: I do what I can. Oh, by the way, I had a nice little chat with your Mom. Lacey: Oh, my Mom called? Hank: No, I called her. Her number was on the fridge. You know, she misses you. Emma: Oh, hi there. Care for a beer? Steve: Ah, no thanks. Emma: Oh well, more for me. Mrs. Johnson: We just wanted to know what time breakfast was tomorrow. Emma: Oh, whenever we get up, I guess. Steve: That's a lot more laid back than most places but, OK. Emma: What do you mean, most places? Mrs. Johnson: Well, we've stayed at a lot of B&B's. Emma: Well, me too, but what's that got to do with any...oh, my God. What did my husband tell you? Steve: A $100 a night. Is it more? Brent: As much as I appreciate you polishing the tires and the new hub caps. Oh, and rolling the change in the ash tray, I don't want you using my car as a ghost car anymore. Davis: But your car did great work today. It's a hero. It's like a super car. Brent: Don't try buttering me up by giving it a name. I'm not going to be part of your scheme. Davis: OK, but if you change your mind, let me know. By the way, your left speaker's cutting in and out. I could fix it for you. Brent: Ah-ha! Don't lose them. You're not gonna out run us, Speedy. Davis: Can you do the honours? Brent: With pleasure. Speakers sound great, by the way. Super Car's never sounded so good. Emma: That Buddy Johnson sure has some crazy stories, huh? Oscar: Yeah, real nut-job. Emma: Like when he first met you, at the Hotel bar? Oscar: Is that where we met? Heh, so long ago I can barely remember. Emma: I bet it seems like just yesterday. Oscar: Yeah, gotta go. Emma: How could you tell two complete strangers this was a B&B? Oscar: Was it so wrong of me to make $50 a night? For us? Emma: It was when they paid twice that much. Oscar: They told you a hundred? Not surprising. They both like to... Emma: Stop it. I can't believe you were stupid enough to try and pull a stunt like this. Oscar: Oh fine, I'll get rid of them. Emma: No, you'll make up the other room. And get some more guests. A hundred bucks is a hundred bucks. Karen: So, how's it going with Hank? Lacey: Oh, great. I'm really getting my money's worth. Karen: All $10. Lacey: Oh yeah, he is there all of the time. Lacey: Hank! Hank: What? I can't work on an empty stomach. Lacey: Tiles, now. Lacey: Yep, he's done some amazing things with my house. My fridge, my tiles. Karen: Really? I wonder if he could fix a sink. Lacey: Oh, I know he could. And you know what? I'm gonna be kicking myself later but I have a few extra hours with him and, you know, if you wanted you could... Karen: Oh, I'm gonna have to check out the work first. Lacey: Oh, I wouldn't have it any other way. Karen: I'll come by tomorrow. Lacey: Well, maybe not tomorrow. Karen: OK, forget it. Lacey: OK, fine. Tomorrow's fine. Even late, it's best, late. Brent: Well, time for another shift with Super Car. Car: Hello, Brent. You look handsome today. You're not overweight at all. You should have another dessert. Now, snap out of it. Wanda: Snap out of it! Why were you talking with a British accent? Brent: Never mind. I'm going for dessert. Phil: It's a hundred bucks a night. Includes A/C and colour TV. Oscar: Or, for the same price, you could stay at a cozy prairie getaway. Just down the road, home cooking. Recent newspapers, electric fans. Mr. Watson: Well, that sounds quaint. I didn't know there was a B&B here. Phil: Neither did I. Oscar: It's not just a B&B. You get breakfast too. Davis: Whoo! Brent: So, who'd we get today? Davis: Super Car was hot today. You wouldn't believe the characters I stopped. Davis: Hey, Travis Moen of the Anaheim Ducks! You know you were doing 60 in a 50? Moen: Sorry, but I only get one day to show all my friends back home the Cup. Maybe you could give me two minutes in the penalty box? Davis: Ha, ha, ha, ha, good one. Here's an $80 ticket. Brent: Well, I suppose I should get Super Car back to the super cave. Davis: You mean your garage? Brent: Hey, don't give away the secret location. Lacey: Pretty good, huh? Karen: It's not great, but good for Hank. Lacey: Or even people other than Hank. You know, some parts were tricky. He was, he was telling me. It's quite neat, isn't it? Karen: Oh, it's sad really but ah, what the hell, it's free. I'll give him a shot. Lacey: Yes! Karen: Why did you say that so emphatically? Lacey: Oh, I'm just so happy for Hank. He worked very long and hard on this. Brent: Watch it, Super Car coming through! Move over Wanda, Super Car! Karen: Care to do the honours? Wanda: Let's roll. Whoo-hoo! Chalk one up for the Wanda Wagon. Brent: Wanda Wagon? Wanda: Wanda Rocket? Dollard Dragster? Ultra-fast crook-catching, crime-stopping...oh, whatever. Just pay the ticket, hot rod. Mrs. Watson: Emma, that was delicious. Emma: Thank you, it was my pleasure. Oh, leave those, Oscar will get the dishes. Oscar: Why me? Emma: Because you haven't earned your 50 bucks yet. Now, let's retire to the living room for some checkers. Mr. Watson: Or, maybe charades? Mrs. Johnson: Oh, how delightful! Emma: Soap's under the sink. That's that metal thing that holds water. Oscar: Oh, how delightful. Karen: I don't know what's wrong but it's been leaking for days. Hank: Well, there's your problem. It's not supposed to leak. Karen: Yeah, I kinda figured that. Can you fix it? Hank: Totally. Let me get my hammer. Brent: Well, it's no Super Car. Wanda: Oh yeah? Twelve tickets yesterday. You wouldn't believe the riff-raff we caught. Moen: You know I'm a Stanley Cup champ, right? Karen: Autograph this. Brent: Beginner's luck. Super Car just had an off day. Wanda: Oh, yeah? Well, Super Car's about to be blown away by the Viper Wagon. Brent: The Viper Wagon? That's lame. Super Car Customer: Yeah, you might as well call it "Super Car." Wanda: Ha, ha, ha, ha. Karen: I just wanted to thank you for Hank. He did a great job on my sink. Lacey: Oh good, really? Karen: Yeah, no fires, no floods, new faucet's working great. Lacey: Wow, neat. Karen: You seem surprised. Lacey: Oh, no, I um, I'm just surprised because you're so happy. No, 'cause unlike me, you were a little reluctant to use him, so... Karen: Yeah, I guess I was but thanks to your recommendation, it all worked out. Lacey: Wow, neat. Lacey: I'm just saying, it's great to see it first hand so I can tell Hank what a great job he did. Karen: Well, as you can see, he did a good job. Lacey: Hmm, it's neat. Mrs. Watson: You missed a great game of Pictionary. Oscar: Darn, that's my magazine. Mr. Watson: Oh, would you pass me that remote, please? Oscar: Why? Mrs. Watson: We're gonna watch TV. Oscar: Yeah, so am I. Mrs. Watson: Well then, we can watch together. Tennis is on. Oscar: Oh goody, tennis. Mr. Watson: You like tennis? Oscar: Almost as much as charades. Brent: Hey Davis, I thought we could take Super Car out and...what's going on? Davis: Look, we had some laughs but it's time to move on. Everybody knows your car now. Brent: So, you're using Fitzy's car? Fitzy Fitzgerald: I prefer the term "Fitzymoble." Wanda: Well, well, well. Looks like Super Car isn't so super anymore. Looks like it's back to being the old Brent...bus. The old Leroy...loser, ha. Brent: You said we were gonna get new mudflaps. Davis: I said a lot of things. Lacey: How come you did such a good job at Karen's? Hank: Ah, I guess I got on a roll fixing all that stuff at your place. Lacey: You didn't fix anything at my place. Hank: Well, I'm not finished. I still got a couple hours left. Lacey: Yeah, and I want you to come over and put up those pictures I asked you to do in the first place. Hank: OK, grouchy. Man, your Mom was right about you. Karen: And you know your antenna? I'll get that fixed. Wanda: But what about the Viper Wagon? Helen Jensen: You heard her, pipsqueak. She's using my car. Lacey: OK, so the picture goes right here. Hank: Who fixed your tub? Lacey: Me, I had to. You didn't have the time. Hank: So, you reconnected all the pipes back there? Lacey: There's pipes? Hank: Sorry, this is gonna take me the rest of your handyman time just to fix this. Lacey: What about the shower? Hank: Nah, I just had one at Karen's. Besides, yours has got to stay off until tomorrow. Oscar: What the hell is this crap? Emma: Mrs. Watson's a vegetarian. Oscar: I want meat. Emma: Not tonight. Oscar: Ah, to hell with this! Nut munchers! Leaving their wet towels everywhere. I can't stand B&B people. They treat this place like a hotel. Emma: Thanks to you. Oscar: Well, I'm kicking them out. Nobody uses my TV to watch tennis. Emma: These are our guests, paying guests. If anyone's leaving, it's you. Oscar: Oh, we'll see about that. Oscar: One-fifty? Phil: Prices just went up. But there's a cozy B&B just down the road. Wanda: Thanks for the ride. Karen brought the Viper Wagon back on empty and then she dumped me. I feel used and dirty. Brent: Who needs the cops, anyway? Wanda: I do, I don't have any gas until next payday. Davis: Sorry, but it looks like the old cop coupe wins the day. Karen: Cop coupe? Davis: What? That's a good name. Lacey: Hey. I just need to crash for the night while Hank fixes my place. Emma: Sorry, we're full up. Mrs. Johnson: But you'll have to come back. It's a wonderful B&B. Lacey: B&B? Emma: It's nothing, they like to, you know. Lacey: I didn't know you were running a B&B. Steve: This is a registered B&B, isn't it? Emma: OK, well, see you Lacey. Mrs. Johnson: Now that you mention it, it wasn't in the book. Mrs. Watson: Oh my God! We're just staying at someone's house. Emma: Well, it was good enough for you when you were paying a 100 bucks a night. Mrs. Johnson: Which we'll need back, since you lied to us. Lacey: Oh, does that mean there's room for me now? Lacey: Hi, Oscar. Oscar: Don't hog the bathroom, Princess. Brent: Hey, where you going with my dollar sign bag? Thug: I'm stealing it! Now, get out of my way before you get hurt. Brent: OK, all right, take it easy. I don't want any...hi-yah, hi-yah! Car: Watch out, Brent! There's another one behind you. Brent: I see that, Super Car. Now maybe you could deafen him with a super horn honk. Car: I'll try. Oh, and Wanda's trying to get you to snap out of it. Brent: Yeah, well, too bad for her. This is my daydream, I'll snap out of it when I want to. Hi-yah! Category:Transcripts